I was listening to a couple argue in the parking lot today about open doors and it made me think. Often we are forced to make hard decisions. Whether to stay or whether to go; what will be our next moved if we indeed decide to go? Nine times out of ten, this crossroads is the result of another’s actions. Specifically, an action that has caused one to lose trust and lose hope. Foundations built on lies and deception that for one reason or another peek themselves from out of the closet or from under the rug at the worst time…when everything is going good. Most of the time, people only think in the “for now” and not in the “could be if I…” The most critical time to earn or lose trust is in the “building” period of a relationship, the beginning. When things are done underhanded during this period of “building,” usually the guilty party’s explanation is simply, “I didn’t want to hurt you.” Some of the vilest things in history have been done in the name of “not wanting to hurt someone,” but his statement offers insight into one of the most honest things that this individual can say. The truth is in fact this: what you didn’t know and won’t know, won’t hurt your; what they don’t tell you, you won’t know…..until you find out. But how can you be honest without being hurtful? When is the right time to be honest? From the very beginning.
But what hurts more? For an individual to find out later down the road after the foundation has been built, that the person they fell in love with is a liar, and the foundation of trust that they thought they had is all a lie. Loyalty is a gift and a curse. Loyalty can be a beautiful thing. But loyalty can destroy you if it is used as a weapon. Honesty is a gift and a curse. But honesty can be manipulated and corrupted and used as a cover to hide lies and keep doors open. One of the most damaging things you can do to a person that you “say” you love, is leave a door open for the past to walk through.
Take for instance the honest liar vs the loyal fool. An honest liar will lead you with a half truth, “My ex called me today, wanting to get back together, but you have nothing to worry about, that door is closed.” A lie masked in truth. The loyal fool’s natural internal instinct will be that of uncertainty and insecurity. However, because of love and loyalty they will keep that to themselves. Because of the curse of their loyalty, their first instinct is to deal with the environment of the problem, for the achievement of the end result. Meaning, “I’ll wait for you to do what you have to do, I’ll sacrifice whatever I have to, I just need you to be loyal.” Foolish; foolish because the honest liar takes advantage of this fool’s loyalty. It gives them time to keep up the lie. Deep down even looking into the eyes of the honest liar the loyal fool, knows they’re lying, but chooses to remain committed out of hope and loyalty. Does the honest liar show mercy? Of course not. The honest liar will then only tell the loyal fool what they, “need to know.” But the only thing the fool needs to know is the truth.
Yes, the truth is that the honest liar might indeed love the loyal fool. That is the truth. But the actions of the honest liar are counterproductive to the words that they speak. The honest liar knows that the loyal fool is going to be there period, so they can take their time living out their untruth. Even if this loyal fool sacrifices it all for them, proves on a daily basis that they are loyal, that they are willing to give every piece of them just to see the honest liar smile. But what does that mean to the honest liar when they can simply say, “I didn’t know you were serious.” More truth! They didn’t know because they truly didn’t care to know; the theory that ignorance of, absolves. Honest liars want their cake and the ability to eat it too. The honest liar then puts more on the loyal fool than they can handle, just to get them to walk away so they won’t have to do the “dirty work” and tell the loyal fool that they really don’t love them or the truth about what they really “need to know.”
An example of this added weight could be, “because I didn’t know you were serious, I decided to move in with my ex, I wanted to help them because I felt bad for them.” But remember, the honest liar initially told the loyal fool, “you have nothing to worry about.” Wait…a few weeks ago the loyal fool had nothing to worry about, that door is closed but now the honest liar comes with this? Loyal fool, whatever this scenario is to your life, this is the point that you should leave. Love letters, flowers, gifts means nothing to to a honest liar. They honestly are thankful, but the selfishness in them gives them permission to maintain a lie, and keep a door open.
This usually leads to the honest liar feeling pitty for the loyal fool. Don’t be fooled by invites to meet family or friends. Usually the family and friends are in on the game to, and you probably are just invited to meet them out of pitty, or to keep the game up. Here’s the saddest part ..The loyal fool has been dedicated to the honest liar for let’s say nine months to a year. He or she has sacrificed their all to prove their love, loyalty and dedication. Probably already have forgiven a few “mistakes,” and when everything seems to be perfect. Bam! Ishhh hits the fan, the truth comes out. All of the indiscretions, and lies come out in some way.
Now the loyal fool is faced with the fact that “I knew the whole time,” and that the foundation that they have “built,” has been built on lies. Where do they turn? After all this person is their “best friend.” Can you imagine the insecurities this person must feel? The internal destruction of one’s love, trust and soul leads to the damnation of their hopes and dreams.
Busted, the honest liar will say, “I never meant to hurt you, I’ll close the door.” The truth is that they won’t close the door, ever. You don’t stop loving somebody that you just loved less than 45 days prior. If that person does not go to that “ex” and say, “I am in a relationship, I am committed; I have made mistakes with you and out of love and respect for who I’m with, we can no longer carry things in the manner that we have been carrying it,” then that person has not and will not close that door. Anything less than that is an honest lie. Simply telling your “ex” that you’re happy now, is not telling them that they’re not welcomed back in your heart. Then again, how can you be welcomed back into a place that you never left? It’s telling them that you don’t love them anymore. It’s not running from what exactly needs to be said, so you can find a way to keep the cycle quietly going, knowing that one day, they can walk back through an open door. The loyal fool is now left with a decision, remain loyal or leave? The honest liar knows that they haven’t closed the door and that’s fine with them as long as they think that the loyal fool thinks they did, or if they can figure out another way to keep the door open after the heat dies down. After all, they know the loyal fool isn’t going anywhere. But the reason for the deception still remains a mystery.
Men and women cheat and lie for different reasons. Men cheat and lie out of lust and selfishness, while women cheat for emotional reasons. Nothing can hurt a man more than hearing or reading his woman calling another man “bae,” “boo” or any other pet name. Seeing her tell another man, “I miss you.” “I love you,” especially if she has never spoken those words to you is one of the lowest betrayals a man can feel. He is now in a state of mental comparison, inferiorty and insecurity. I’m not a woman, but I think the ladies can feel me on the fact that nothing cuts deeper than knowing the love of your life has an emotional attachment to somebody else.
Now the loyal fool has to visually replay seeing the honest liar tell another person they love them, thinking back to the times that the honest liar may have even said to them, “I started to text you I love you today.” But why didn’t they? Think about that loyal fool, this person has NEVER told you that they miss you, are thinking about you; no cute little nicknames for you. Why are you wasting your days and nights toiling internally about this person? Only to later find out that all of those hours the loyal fool spent of thinking about the honest liar, they were with the person that the door was supposed to be closed to. It’s not worth it. How can you close a door with a person that you still tell “I love you” and call them “bae” or “boo?” Impossible. The biggest mistakes that the loyal fool can make are:
- Not speaking up about how they truly feel inside. They know this person is lying to them, but the love and the loyalty in them for that person blinds them to truth; speak up!
- The loyal fool makes the mistake of trying to be the cool, calm and understanding party. Big mistake! While they are trying to be calm and cool; taking the honest liar’s word, not researching, not investigating, not seeking the truth and trusting, the honest liar sees this characteristic, and they take advantage. They will tell you they are going one place for one reason, but not the real reason. The honest liar will tell you, “my ex emailed me about blah blah blah…” But will not tell you that they have a secret emailing account. The honest liar will just so happen to leave out the fact that they told that person I love you on that email. Lies cloaked in truth.
- The biggest mistake is not leaving or getting out when you FIRST see the lies develop. Unless you’re willing to give that person one more chance. But that’s the problem, one more chance can lead to chance after chance. Loyal fool, your eyes and mind aren’t deceiving you.
- Pay attention. Even though I’m not a fan of social media, I do say that a lot of people expose themselves on this platform. For instance, if you see your current, in a pic with their “ex” and the title reads, “boo love,” believe it, because to the person posting it, it’s true. If it’s true to them, then a door has not been closed. No person who is truly loyal to you would allow themselves to be posted as somebody’s boo, bae, mcm or wcw period. Red Flag! But your loyalty will blind you. Pay attention to that “ex’s” page because truly they are victims to; the time that is spent with you, is time spent away from them, and 9 times out of 10 they will be vocal about it on social media. Save the post, confront the honest liar and make them explain, because if they love you and are loyal they have no problem getting that post deleted and explaining to that person why they can’t post that about them…and if they are really down for you, they’ll let you hear them say it! Food for thought.
- Running from a commitment. You shouldn’t have to wonder why somebody who “loves” you won’t be in a relationship with you; why somebody who loves you, won’t tell you that they love you back. Red Flag!
- Lastly, let’s say the honest liar says about the person that they should be closing the door with, “I don’t care if they know I’m with you.” Fact! This is true, they really don’t care. The same way they didn’t want you to know about the “ex,” is the same way they don’t want the “ex” to know about you! Think about it…..
Bottom line is this, if a person loves you, they will say it, show it, proclaim it and most importantly LIVE IT! They will protect you now, so that you are protected in the future. I’m not saying post your relationship all over social media or tell the world your business, but at the very least, “ex’s” and “possibles” should know, “I’m with somebody, and we gotta keep things on a respectful level.” We all know what love is and what it feels like, what loyalty is and what it feels like, anything less than that; isn’t worth it, but you are. You’re worth more than sleepless nights, lies and deception. Can a foundation be rebuilt? I don’t know, maybe it can. Only the loyal fool can say whether it’s worth the risk to stay and find out. Do people don’t change, or do they just go dormant? You’re worth more than being at the crossroads. You deserve loyalty. Love is an action…Remember that.